From me to we

So I'm worried about ovulation, I'm pretty sure it was last night, but now I'm all crampy. I really hope and pray that my egg and B's boys met up and did their thing. This whole process is so stressful on both of us. I've completely cut out drinking; had about a third of a beer last night and that was with going to a hockey game! Not too shabby! I'm proving to myself that this is what WE really want.

B has been the best, most supportive husband ever. WE want this so much, WE want a baby, WE want this to work, I've felt as if I was going through it myself but we are both in it. I may be the one taking all the meds but he is supporting me, injecting me, and there for me. He want it just as much as I do and I realize that.

Still praying for this to stick, and for me to be pregnant for the next nine months. . . .

So it's done!

It's official, now I'm in the two week wait! We had our 2nd IUI this morning at 9 am. Everything was different than last time, which is exactly what I wanted since it didn't work last time--different doctor, different nurse (it was the nurse that I have seen at every appointment, and she's great). Different is good.

Now I'm laying around letting nature take its course. I'm hoping that one of hubbie's 65 million swimmers will meet up with one of my eggs and BAM get this thing going. It's really nerve racking though, because it's completely out of my hands. This is one of the few things in life that you truly can't control. You can get everything ready, and it can seem perfect, but that doesn't mean anything. Last time I had 4 eggs and the s/a before the IUI showed 190 million, but it didn't work.

Just have to keep giving myself the pep talk--this is it, it's meant to be, I'm going to be a mom, B's going to be a dad, we ARE going to be parent. Power of positive thinking, and lots of prayer. Maybe that was the RX that I needed. . .

Any prayers you're willing to give over the next couple weeks would be GREATLY appreciated!

And wait some more . . .

So the doctor called back yesterday at 2 and told me to stay on the meds one more night and then trigger in the morning between 8 and 9 am. Last time I triggered before I went to work because I thought that 24 hours was too short and that I knew more than the doctor's. This time, I triggered at 8:05 just like I was supposed to. This is it, here we go folks, IUI tomorrow morning.

This is the one, please this is the one. B and I are just so ready to be parents, and we're just praying, praying, praying for this. This is the one.

Positive thoughts and prayers, that's my self-prescription for this cycle :)

Happy Friday!

Waiting. . .

So I had my appointment today and now am just waiting to hear back from the doctor. It seems like this whole ttc thing is about waiting: waiting for follicles to grow, waiting for bloodwork to come back, waiting to see if you're pregnant, waiting to start the next cycle. . . or hopefully this time waiting to see a heartbeat, waiting to meet baby, etc.

I've been freakishly optimistic this cycle which is not like me, I just feel good. Work is good, soccer season starts on Monday, spring is near (well, maybe), hubbie is wonderful as always. . . I just feel good. It's the first time in a long time I've felt this way. I'm hoping it's a good sign for what's to come :)

So now I'll go wait some more, the RE usually doesn't call until 1:30, so I have a couple more hours before figuring out what is in store for my weekend!

Round 2 (ding, ding)

So we got the financing that we needed and decided to go right into another cycle. The nurse at the RE's office was concerned about my lining (still really thick on day 2) and thought there was a chance I might be pregnant (keep in mind, I had taken THREE pregnancy tests, and was having my menstrual cycle). So a little glimmer of hope peaked up, just to be crushed to smithereens 3 days later when I came back for a blood test and u/s before starting the meds.

Anyways, fast forward to today. Cycle day 14, before IF, I couldn't have told you when I had a period last let alone what day I was on. Now, I could tell you what happened on each day of the cycle, crazy. . .

Back to the point, I have 3 follicles all growing together (this is one less than last month) and my hormone levels appear to be "normal" as they don't yet have me on the shot to stop ovulation. I go back in tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. Need lots of good vibes, good thoughts, and good prayers.

I have told myself for the last two weeks that THIS IS THE CYCLE! Will the sperm and egg meet for the first time this month? Stay tuned. . .

Friends, Frenemies, and just plain Enemies

So you know those people who say, "It'll happen when it's meant to?" I have one thing to say to them right now, and that is f--- off. It is so frustrating go through IF itself, let alone having these ignorant women (who by the way have NO problem in the fertility arena of life) telling you that it'll happen when it's supposed to. Um, no. . . it won't. . . that's why I'm shelling all this $$ out, because it ISN'T going to happen by itself. These people are my IF enemies. They might be my friends personally, but now, I don't talk to them much.

Friends are the people that I have trusted with the knowledge of this journey, the ones that ask how I'm doing and not if I'm pregnant yet (those would be considered the frenemies). Friends are the ones who cared to ask what was going on, and not the ones I HAD to tell out of obligation. Friends make me feel like a hopeful person, and not a person in despair. Friends, I want to thank you, some of you on message boards don't even know me, but you have been more of a friend to me than my "friends" have been because you know the journey. Thank you.

Booze

So I decided that I am no longer drinking. Not socially, not at home, not even during happy hour on Friday's, after work, when I really want it. I read it decreases a woman's fertility by up to 50%, FIFTY, 5-0, what?!?!? So it's baby or booze, and for the first time in my life, it's baby. All the other times, I said "I'm young," or "I'm not pregnant, yet" if I'd only known!

It's been hard, and it's only going to get worse when in social situations where the people have no idea what I'm going through. They'll assume I'm pregnant. And for all of you out there who have never had to go through IF, asking someone trying to get pregnant if they're pregnant is like stealing from a church, punching a handicapped person, or lying about going to a funeral--you just don't do it.

Here's to 10 months of sobriety (I hope and pray), it's totally worth it!

Madness, Sadness, and Disappointment

The moment I took the first pregnancy test, and there was one line, ONE FREAKING LINE, I lost it. I thought it was the perfect cycle--4 follicles, 190 million sperm, HELLO! the odds had to be with us. But they weren't. I tried consoling myself by saying "at least I get to drink at the beer tasting" or "I'm only 13 dpiui, it could've been way too early." All ways that women ttc trick themselves into having more hope and getting let down, again.

This journey has made me such a stronger person, and has made me really see my husband. He is a gracious, kind, and caring man who know what to say and when; and when to shut up. He talked me down when I freaked out and started crying my eyes out. I had no idea how much I wanted to be a mom.

I started cursing God, the doctors, and myself for the first IUI not working. How could you put someone through 2 weeks of the worst emotional roller coaster of their life.

Glad to say, I'm better now. I have a positive outlook for the second cycle. The first was a test, to see how bad I wanted it. It was a test for myself.

Kd